This is my journey. Of coming to terms with feelings I’ve hidden for a long, long time. Of admitting my grief persists, every day. I was diagnosed with PTSD after our NICU experience and although I’ve healed a lot from the trauma, I still feel that sense of loss from those early days, the days we can’t get back.

‘Alone’ – soundscape by Jean

My sense of loss, of losing my voice, of disempowerment….has taken me by surprise, taken my breath away, brought me to tears numerous times.

‘My Voice’ written by Jean and read by Rachel Bower.

I never thought we’d experience this alien world, with its routines, still air, sterile smell, like a vacuum containing and draining you, that doesn’t release you.

‘Detachment’ – soundscape by Jean

It stays with you, like an indelible mark. It’s a wound and its healing, but the scar will stay. I look the same and I sound the same, but inside I’m different. It’s not over, it’s here. And while I’m glad we’re ok, I wish with all my heart we’d never been there.

Sound attributions:

‘Alone’ soundscape by Jean: “Mechanical Pump” by Cell31 Sound Productions ( ) licensed under CCBYNC 3.0
‘Detachment’ soundscape by Jean: Waves – – © copyright 2022 BBC ; Hospital trolley – © copyright 2022 BBC; Nuffield Reception area: CC BY-NC-ND